I know you hate when I say this, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. You haven't been bothering me. I want to remain friends with you, but right now it's really hard. You say it's "ok" if were not friends anymore because I have other friends, but right now, I don't care. I've never been as close to someone as I have been with you. And that's definitely something I don't want to lose. And if anything I feel the same way. I see you with your friends all the time and I feel almost inferior to your friends, and feel as if you don't need me, so I always leave you alone because you seem happy and fine with them, but I guess you're taking it the wrong way. I never text you first, or stop by to talk to you, or anything because you're probably out with another friend or something and I'd just feel like I'm bothering. And sometimes I feel as if I'm not "cool" enough to hang out with you. I can't or don't do half of the things you do with your friends. I feel so boring to you and sad because of it.. You said, "it makes me sad because I love you so much and I just want to see you again like I use to but you act so awkward around me like you don't even know me" And to be honest, when I read this, my heart just skipped a beat. I feel so bad that things have come to this. To the point that I've hurt you, but I've been acting awkward because I like you.. to the point where I don't even know how to talk to you and I can't be myself, and I'm scared you'll take things the wrong way when I say something.
I like you. And when I told you that, I didn't mean I have a little crush on you or anything. I meant that I really like you. And recently I know I seem shy and uninterested in conversation, but I've just been trying to lessen these feelings but I don't think I can. I'm stuck reminiscing moments we've had, which just pulls me into wanting to tell you that I miss you so much. Yet, I don't, because I feel you'll take it the wrong way. I'm afraid. And have been. To tell you anything. You think I'm uninterested in conversation with you and don't want to talk, but It's because I'm scared to ask you how your day was or what you're doing because I'm scared of getting hurt by what you're going to tell me. I know you want to tell me everything, because I'm your best friend, but sometimes the things you tell me hurt because of these feelings I have for you. You tell me everything, and it hurts, and I'm forced to hide it, and it's the worst feeling ever.
I don't know what I can say to make everything the same again, and if I could lose these feelings for you in a heartbeat, I would, but honestly it's really hard and hurtful.. but I'll deal with it if that's what it takes for everything to be the same and have you happy. I'm so sorry for everything. Everything is my fault.
Well, it's 2:00am right now and I'm really tired and this was probably the hardest thing to write so if this doesn't make sense, then please talk to me. But, if you don't want to talk to me again, I'll understand..
-Ryan-Rico B. Picardal
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